Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Honest Interviews : Amina Wadud

Imagine if Wadud got some sodium pentothal in her martini and gave an honest interview....


DrM : So Dr.Wadud, whats your story ?

AW : Well it started when I joined the NOI and then hooked up with the Black Panthers….

DrM : You don’t look old enough to have been a member of that organization…

AW : Why thank you!

DrM : No, no, it wasn’t a compliment…even though you do look like a charter member of the grey panther party.

AW : Oh that’s how it is huh? You think you’re a straight up G do you? Well guess what, you’re not going to pull a fast one on me like you did on Asra, Ahmed and Tarek. Bring it on…..

DrM : Testy huh? Don’t worry we’ll do things a little differently this time...interactive if you will. Lets start off with a softball question…what’s the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?

AW : That’s easy. Terminator.

DrM : Terminator? The one with Arnold? That film wasn’t really scary..

AW : Are you kidding me? A white man who wouldn’t die….scared the hell out of me. I had nightmares for weeks…I threw knives at the screen!

DrM : ……………..

AW : What? I

DrM : Nothing…uh so what exactly was this whole “female led jummah.”

AW : Well, as you know, the progressive meetups were an utter failure. Those who did show up didn’t want to pay Naseeb.com fees and thought they could hook up for free using the meetups. We also steal terms from the civil rights movement to lend us credibility.

DrM : I know, I went to one of the meetups. Getting back to my earlier question, is it true you were fired from a Malaysian university for trying to spread fitna..

AW : Oh no, I’m on temporary administrative leave you see…

DrM : Temporary administrative leave as in “you’re fired, don’t ever come back and take your RAND corporation pro-regressive garbage with you”?

AW : That’s it. I’m leaving. I‘m not going to put up with this.

DrM : uh okay….temporary or permanent?

AW : You’ll never have the pleasure of interviewing me again!

DrM : What a loss. See ya.

AW : ………………

DrM : What?

AW : Aren’t you going to try and stop me?

DrM : I thought you were leaving….

AW : Ok fine, I accept your apology…you talked me back into it…

DrM : But I didn’t…

AW : Get on with it fool.

DrM : Your female led jummah sham was based on what?

AW : It wasn’t a sham at all. It was based on the Hadith of Umm Warraqa.

DrM : But it’s a weak Hadith, and even then it only applies to woman leading other woman in prayer at home.

AW : Uh.. you’re twisting the Arabic of it because…

DrM : How am I twisting it? Do you speak Arabic?

AW : Not a word……..

DrM : Exactly…but first, a commercial break..

AW : What?! What do you mean “commercial break”?

DrM : We got some bills to pay here.

AW : What bills? You’re not broadcasting!

DrM : Well I got bills to pay. I could use a break after listening to that convoluted gibberish of yours.

AW : This is ridiculous.

DrM : Friends, are you sick of pro-regressive lies and deception? Are you fed up with freaks, pseudo-intellectuals, egotistical green card seeking third world communists and neocon gutter trash pretending to be Muslims? Go hit up the PMNUA debate blog for the lowdown. All callers west of the Himalayas dial 1-800-BAK-LAVA. All callers east of Himalayas dial 1-800-BIR-YANI. All crank callers dial 1-800-TEE-FATT. Only rotary calls tonight. If you’re calling from a touch tone phone you’re S.O.L.

AW : What the hell kind of commercial is that?!

DrM : The best kind. Ever heard of nepotism? Ok so where were we?

AW : You were asking me about my glorious career in the hallowed halls of academia.

DrM : No, I was asking if you were proficient in Arabic.

AW : What does that have to do with anything?

DrM : Well you claim to be an authority on Islam and said that I was misinterpreting the Umm Warraqa Hadith. You couldn’t make such statements if you were trained in classical Arabic.

AW : I don’t know a word of it. Home can interpreted as....well anyplace can be "home" you know...

DrM : Uh huh…I thought so…..but hold! What about the authentic hadith explicitly stating that the best rows for men are in the front and the best rows for woman are in the back?

AW : Never heard of it.

DrM : What do you mean you never heard of it? Its Sahih Muslim. Hang on a sec..,, since when did you proggies started following Hadith anyway?

AW : We only use the ones that can be interpreted for our purposes.

DrM : So you guys just ad lib it then….

AW : We don’t ad lib anything. Look…!

DrM : Go on….

AW : Its all Nomani’s fault. She pressured me into this!

DrM : And where did she get the idea for it?

AW : It was from that idiot Knight’s book.

DrM : You mean the dude who goes to ISNA playing pranks on people ?

AW : Exactly, I was just…

DrM : And now a word from our sponsor….

AW : Damnation!

DrM : Friends, have you ever been targeted by hackers from a meat market website? Don’t know what to do about it? Well look further as the Swordswoman fulfills her naseeb and slices and dices her to the facts. You‘d have to be a jackass not to look into this. Are you a jackass?

AW : Why the hell are you asking me?!

DrM : Well there’s no nobody else here…

AW : I hate you so much…

DrM : Ofcourse you do. We got somebody on the line….go ahead caller.

Caller : May you roast in hell Maxtor! How dare you give my phone number out?!

DrM : Who is this?

Caller : You know exactly who this is! Its Tarek Fatah dammit!.

DrM : Hey! How you doing buddy?

Caller : How am I doing?!? Those jerks who read your crappy blog crank called my cell and killed my anytime minutes.

DrM : Let me make it up to you T-Fat, there’s a bake sale in your current vicinity I think.

Caller : Oh, aren’t you funny? “HaHaHa” you fu…..!

DrM : Alright I’m putting him on hold, enjoy the elevator music tubby. So Dr.Wadud, you saying something about being pressured into leading the fake jummah?

AW : Don’t call it fake!

DrM : My bad, plenty of jummahs are held at art galleries I’m sure. Is it true you were praying towards the west?

AW : Depends what your definition of “west” is. Asra pressured me into it. She and that Egyptian with the footprint on his face thought it would be scandalous and photogenic to have me do it. Nobody bought my book so why not? I could use the free publicity.

Caller : EYAAAAA!

DrM : What the…? What was that?

Caller : Its me! I fought my way off hold!

DrM : What do you mean you “fought your way off hold”?

AW : Will you get rid of that ‘tard....this is my interview!

Caller : You better tell me where that bake sale is…..

>Click<

DrM : oops, looks like we lost Tarek…I’m going to keep the phone off the hook so he doesn’t star69 me.

AW : I got more respect on the O’Reilly factor then this.

DrM : Naturally, FOX and the haters just love proggies.

AW : Oh you’re just jealous that nobody invites you to go on reich wing media networks to misrepresent Islam and Muslims.

DrM : Yep, I’m burning up with envy. I always wanted to be the center of attention on a Murdoch station.

AW : HaHa.

DrM : ..and now for the traffic report. Here’s Captain Paindu in the DrM copter..

AW : I got a feeling I’ve been brought here to be ridiculed.

DrM : Oh perish the thought. Go on Cap….

C. Paindu : We got an accident on the 110 freeway DrM. Reports indicate a pile up there after a fat man started flagging down cars asking the drivers for the directions to a bake sale. Right now he’s crying on the side of the road looking for a hotdog stand. Cops are on their way ready to pull a Rodney King …otherwise it looks like a smooth ride all around.

AW : That’s it. You’re giving me control of this blog right now.

DrM : Excuse me? I don’t think so….

AW : Get this : Either you give control of this blog, along with the user name and password or you racist.

DrM : Well that’s just not going to happen.

AW : Well can I atleast plug my upcoming book?

DrM : No you may not.

AW : Last chance Maxtor…either you do what I say or I’ll drop the N-bomb I hit that congregation in Toronto with.

DrM : Race baiting huh? You realize that this sort of irresponsible behavior lessens the impact and trivializes real cases of racism do you not?

AW : Hey, it works like a charm anytime I throw it around.

DrM : And on that note, you’re outta here.

AW : I still think you’re a racist(unless you hand over control of this blog). I bet you hate chitlins too.

DrM : Don’t you mean s***lins?

AW : Whatever, I’m leaving. I got interviews with TIME, Newsweek…

DrM : …and MAD magazine and the Weekly World News. But don’t worry, we’ll have you back on when you perform Umrah around the White house and Tawaf near Capital Hill.

AW : Hey! That’s not a bad idea….how about a fake Hajj too?

DrM : Only if it comes with a bull stampede like they do in Barcelona. Well that was nostril fillingly nauseating and the stench of your bull stool is enough to make a hemophiliac run amok on a cactus farm. Do visit us again Dr.Wadud.

AW : Really?

DrM : No. You can "lead" yourself out.

12 comments:

Slave of Allah said...

THAT WAS SOOOO FLIPPIN' AWESOME. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!

i'm literally laughing out loud

awesome post bro. keep it up

Asmaa said...

Hehe, that was pretty funny. I'm almost starting to feel sorry for Amina Wadud. Almost.

JD said...

LOL (too many times to count)!

publicdebate said...

nepotism.... :)

Taleb Haqq said...

DrM...you need help man lol that was very funny :) well done!

zara2005 said...

Salam DrMaxtor.
I couldt stop laughing at this..
Amina Wadood is the twin sister of Condi rice..(just look at her she looks like her)lol
Take Care

AngryMutawah said...

Now that was some of the funniest s*** I have ever read. I read it over and over again and I was laughing like a lunatic. You cured my cough Dr. M because my lungs were kept inflated while I was howling like a laughing Hyenna.

SwordsWoman said...

hahahaha Maxtor you are tearing the place up - another brilliant piece that pours well deserved scorn on the foul innovators like this backward woman - all she needs is a bone through her nose (NO racist intent here - purely a barbaric reference to her barbaric butchery of the deen)....

Big Up and nice one for the mention.

Luqman said...

NICE!

menj said...

OMG that was the funniest satire I've ever read, I laughed so hard that tears welled up in my eyes!

- MENJ

HijabIsOverrated said...

that was funny

the commercial breaks r the best

4 the record her command of classical Arabic and fiqh is on point.. I dare say more than anyone who has commented on this post thus far and in line with most popular males scholars in the INSA crowd and beyond.

funny thing is....

She would actually talk to you if you emailed her for real. lol

ibn Abu Jetmir said...

Email - awadud@vcu.edu
Phone - 804.827.3406