Saturday, December 03, 2005

Honest Interviews : Tarek Fatah

Imagine if Tarek Fatah got some sodium pentothal in his martini and gave an honest interview.

DrM : So, I see you’re dressed up for the interview….a little flamboyant wouldn’t you say?

TF : This is my limited edition Elvis Presley costume…its worth a small fortune.

DrM : Yes well, its value has probably depreciated with all those stretch marks on it..

TF : That’s the point…I’m talking about Elvis in his fat stage…

DrM : Sure. Lets start with your organization, the “Muslim Canadian Congress.”

TF : Well, its easy to start your own organization in western countries, especially if you espouse the sort of Islam which they feel comfortable with….

DrM : In accordance with the RAND report perhaps…

TF : Uh….thats a coincidence. You see, we progressive Moslems believe in the illusion of inclusion, harmony with neocons, spreading good communist vibes…

DrM : …and eating a lot of peanut m&m’s…

TF : Exactly. ……Hey! Low blow man…

DrM : Not low enough. So how big is your organization ?

TF : Well, right now we’re about 4 members strong and operating out of my son’s treehouse. I’m planning on moving our base of operations to the garage soon.

DrM : Yet, you claim that other Canadian Muslim groups are not representative of the community, despite their extensive record of protecting civil rights etc. This sounds a lot like of Ahmed Nassef’s words despite evidence to the contrary….

TF : Uh well….they’re conservative and …uh

DrM : How is it conservative to defend civil rights ?

TF : uh…why’re you asking me the hard questions ?! I’m not used to this!

DrM : This aint FOX news, curly. No softball interviews here. So essentially, your group is largely a non-entity with a website.

TF : That’s the cool thing about the web…we can make up all sorts of fancy names to give the impression that we’re some heavy duty players. But we have been active in the community.

DrM : You mean the use of "Shariah law" in Ontario courts?

TF : Yes. We hooked up with any group which was either ignorant or Islamophobic enough to say to no to religious arbitration.

DrM : You did not oppose religious arbitration when it was passed into law in 1991…

TF : Well…uh..thats when Jews and Catholics were using it…

DrM : So they can use it but Muslims cant…

TF : Dude, I would have looked like an anti-semite if I opposed it before…..

DrM : ....and you worked alongside groups which have clearly expressed anti-Muslim sentiments. Hardly a thing any REAL Muslim organization would do I suspect.

TF : Look, I got a lot of friends in those groups, like the workers communist party of deported Iranians etc…..they may hate Muslims, but they like me and I can live with that. We used to party a lot back in the 70s when Marxism was very chic.

DrM : Tell me more about your activities in the 70s.

TF : Well, I cant remember much ….we were getting wasted back then. We were mostly immigrants, without personalities or talent, and we just wanted to party, experimenting and such…it was all a stone filled gas, man…

DrM : Yeah I’ll bet, snorting cup cakes with Ahmed Nassef must have been groovy…

TF : what?

DrM : Nothing….Your group also supports same sex marriage correct.

TF : Yes we do.

DrM : Yet you wrote an article back in 2003 for mwu where you clearly stated that homosexuality isn’t compatible with Islamic belief, and you’re still cool with same sex marriage?

TF : Look I just said that to get media attention….do you realize nobody knows who I am ? How else was I supposed to make it known that Tarek Fatah has arrived? The only way to get some free PR and acceptance is to lower the bar….

DrM : The lowest common denominator….So would you be cool if your daughter was homosexual?

TF : HELL NO! I’d beat the gay out of her. No son or daughter of Tarek Fatah goes in that territory. No way to gay! No way to gay!

DrM: Man, you are so conflicted. You don’t have split personalities do you ?

TF : That’s not funny….

DrM : Cant take a joke? I’ll bet you’ll take an order of fries…

TF : You bet I will…with hot sauce.

DrM : I was being sarcastic. Tell me what else you’re up to.

TF : Well I’ll be making some noise in the media about Hurricane Katrina, and those behind it.

DrM : behind it ???

TF : Yes, it is my position that this disaster was not natural, but a diabolical plot by conservative-Al-Qaida-wahabist-Osamites.

DrM : ……….go on….

TF : I believe they all jumped into the sea together to raise water levels to the point where it submerged New Orleans.

DrM : Now I know you’re on crack. That has got to be the most absurd and stupid thing I've ever heard. You cant be serious.

TF : Laugh all you want, it’s all written in the “Protocols of Wahab.” It’s all a part of the great international Wahabist conspiracy theory.

DrM : And who came up with this…

TF : My dear right wing friends at Free Republic and other friendly neocon contributors.

DrM : Now I can see why so many people left the PMNUA. You’re nuts, curly.

TF : They couldn’t handle my stuff…those pikers. They used to say call Einstein crazy as well…and look what he accomplished !

DrM : Why’re comparing yourself to Einstein? He was a scientist and you’re…

TF : I’m Tarek Fatah dammit!

DrM : Its time for Asr, lets pray.

TF : I'll take a rain check.

DrM : Any particular reason why?

TF : I usually dont pray unless theres a camera around and the imam is a woman.

DrM: Then you must rarely pray...

TF : Correct

DrM : I'll do my Asr after you leave, I dont think it would be accepted anyway with you in the congregation.

TF : Whatever, I'm Tarek Fatah.

DrM : …so what other shenanigans are you up to..

TF : I’m going large man, Hollywood, comedy…sky’s the limit.

DrM : …and how do you plan on breaking into Hollywood?

TF : My strategy is to offer myself as an expert on Islam, sort of like a consultant.

DrM: I see, do you have a degree from an accredited Islamic institution?

TF : Nope

DrM : Speak Arabic?

TF : Not a word.

DrM: Ever been involved with the Muslim community at the grass roots level?

TF : Nope

DrM : Whats the first letter of the Arabic alphabet?

TF : Hey! You trying to make me look stupid?!

DrM : I think you’re doing a marvelous job of that on you own Tarek. Now that we’ve determined that you’re no expert on Islam then any other deplorable opportunistic schmuck….

TF : I look ethnic enough and I got an accent you can cut with a knife…that’s good enough for Hollywood.

DrM : Trust me, you’re not going to make it Hollywood squares, let alone Hollywood. I know I’m going to regret asking this, how about the comedy aspect of your routine?

TF : Ok, check this out..I’m sunni, my wife’s shia, what does that make our daughter?

DrM : …I don’t know, what?

TF : Sushi!

DrM :………………….

TF : ……………………

DrM : ………………….

TF : What?

DrM : I’d tell you not to quit your day job, but I’m afraid you don’t have one.

TF : Whatever man….I got mad skillz yo…

DrM : ….you claim that you were beaten up by religious extremists when in college back in the 1960s.

TF : Yes absolutely, I was fighting for gender equality on campus which infuriated the fundamentalists.

DrM: Sure it had nothing to do with you going around extolling the virtues of Chairman Mao during the lunacy of the Cultural revolution?

TF : eh…that’s beside the point. I’m Tarek Fatah..I was fighting to end gender apartheid and…

DrM : How exactly were you going about ending “gender apartheid” ?

TF : I decided to use the ladies restroom to end segregation. For this act of defiance I was beaten up by a mob of fanatics.

DrM : Independent reports say that girls were heard screaming….

TF : They were screaming for joy!

DrM : But you weren’t once the students and faculty decided to feed you concrete…

TF : Then there was the time I was holding hands with a female student to….

DrM : From what I’ve heard, you grabbed her hand despite her turning you down for a date.

TF : It was all going so well until…

DrM : Her brothers showed and took care of business.

TF : …damn thugs.

DrM : Ok Tarek….we’ve confirmed that you indeed are a phony. No background in Islamic studies, civil rights etc, yet you go around pretending to be the voice of the Muslim community…

TF : But I have a TV show!

DrM : So does Irshad Manji. Furthermore, your rhetoric and actions clearly place you in opposition to the wishes of Canadian Muslims. Take him away gentleman (door opens, 2 midgets step in)

TF : Hey, let go of me! What is this!?!

DrM : We decided to have a little historical re-enactment of your college days.

TF : You cant do this to me! I’m Tarek Fatah !!! You’ll boil in hell for this!

DrM : And I’m DrMaxtor, in third person mode ending yet another farce of an honest interview…..(Fatah is dragged out by the ear, but manages to escape hitching a ride on an ice-cream truck). No proggies were harmed during the interview.


JD said...


alex said...

These just get better and better...
Love it.

ajsuhail said...

I am waiting for your interview with Irshad Manji

DrMaxtor said...

She keeps avoiding me AJ, what can I do?

Hajera said...

That was hilarious! :D Looking forward to reading more of your fun stuff :)

Abu Eesa said...

My goodness me, that was mental.

Entertaining though.