Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Honest Interviews : Ahmed Nassef

Imagine if Nassef got some sodium pentothal in his martini and gave an honest interview....

DrM : So how are you Ahmed ?

AN : Exhausted.

DrM : How come ?

AN : All these appearances on TV and interviews has taken their toll on me…

DrM : You mean FOX, CNN, MSNBC ?

AN : Yes ! Aint it cool ?! I’ll also be on Jerry Springer next week….

DrM : Why Jerry Springer ? You refusing to pay alimony or something ?

AN : I’ll have you know I’m a happily married man.

DrM : The Jerry Springer show isn’t really known for its intellectual value…which would make sense considering you’ll be a guest. Never mind, I get it…..

AN : That’s messed up yo…but considering how popular your blog is and how desperate I am for exposure…but enough of that, the real reason I’ll be on Springer is to challenge Ibraheem Hooper to a pie fight.

DrM : Ibraheem Hooper of CAIR, you mean ?

AN : Yeah, the big Irish revert…..man I hate reverts.

DrM : Why a pie fight ?

AN : Well I sure as hell aint getting into a fist fight with him…that dude is huge !

DrM : Point taken, but what makes you think the communications chief of CAIR would waste his time engaging you in stupid pie fight ? Seriously man, the guy has a real job.

AN : You don’t like me very much do you ?

DrM : Not really, no.

AN : You’re mean, want a hug ?

DrM : …no, any other appearances you’d like to tell us about ?

AN : I’ll be on Michael Savage’s radio show next month.

DrM : You mean the evil slimy jewish hatemonger ? THAT Michael Savage ?

AN : Hey, its on the latest installment of Hug-a-zionist scumbag.

DrM : Don’t you find it disturbing that you’re being given positive exposure by those who have expressed anti-Muslim hatred ? These are the same people who support genocide against the peoples of Iraq and Palestine.

AN: Yeah, but that’s kind of back there, and we’re here so….

DrM : So…it doesn’t really matter to you…..

AN : Not really.

DrM : I noticed you have mark on your face….the RAND seal of approval perhaps ?

AN : Actually that’s on my behind…but the mark is due to an accident in college….

DrM : Do tell.

AN : I was trying to set off a bag of horse manure on fire and place it outside my ex-girlfriends dorm room. It exploded in my face prematurely and well… here I am..

DrM : …………kind of poetic don’t you think ?

AN : What?

DrM : Nothing. If I remember correctly you have a background in marketing.

AN : That’s right. Graduated from UCLA baby!

DrM : So you have no background in Islamic studies…

AN : Oh hell no! What do you think I am ? Some sort of Wahabi ?

DrM : You think anyone who studies Islam is a wahabi ?

AN : Absolutely.

DrM : Whereas anyone who isn’t well versed in Islamic theology is an authority ?

AN : Well, sure. But it also depends how far left they are.

DrM : So basically you’re a decent Muslim if you lack knowledge and are to the left of Michael Moore…

AN : That, and if the government digs your interpretation of Islam.

DrM : I’m sure...you do realize you’ve admitted to having no credibility in the Muslim community.

AN : Well, that’s not our target audience anyway.

DrM : You also claim that your website gets more hits than any other Muslim site..

AN : Well…yeah..dont you believe Alexa ?

DrM : According to Alexa, Islamicity is the most popular Muslim website..

AN : You checked it ?

DrM : Yeah

AN : Damn!

DrM : How did you run into Nomani and Kahf ?

AN : We ran into each other at an alcoholics anonymous meeting and hit it off. We had a lot in common….we were in our thirties, burnt out, facing a midlife crisis and had plenty of time on our hands. We each had to carve out our own territory…Asra came up with some scam at her local masjid, Mohja started putting her dirty mind to paper etc….Jawad was our token homosexual flamer…

DrM : What about the white guy who goes around stink palming people ?

AN : Oh ..Knight…you seen that picture of him with a typewriter in a dumpster ?

DrM : I think so.

AN : Well that’s where we found him. He’s lying low since Ibraheem Hooper threatened to slap him with a lawsuit for impersonating him.

DrM : Seems to me that you guys have a penchant for controversy …

AN : No better way to make the front page…

DrM : Tell me about your beef with CAIR.

AN : Well for starters, they’re conservative….

DrM : Hows that ? You consider defending civil rights “conservative” ?

AN : Uh...second…they got a lot of influence and cash..

DrM : Well….you get your fair share of money don’t you ?

AN : Man, I’ve been making some mad bling with media exposure…and I didn’t have to defend any Muslims or declare some sort of action alert…..it doesn’t hurt being pals with MoronsForBush people either. But I still don’t got the sort of cash CAIR has.

DrM : Speaking of idiocy…why the need to have Amina Wadud lead prayer ? I mean, do you even go for salah?

AN : I haven’t set foot in a masjid since 1986.

DrM : And why is that ?

AN : Well…this proves why woman should lead….I was in the 4th row and this guy in front of me knocks a thick one out during ruku…and..so…I think that would not have happened if I was praying behind a woman…

DrM : You expect me to believe that ?

AN : Hey man, I felt like Van Damme kicked me in the face…….besides I can check out some booty without looking like the pervert that I am.

DrM : Is there anything remotely Islamic about you and your cohorts ?

AN : Not really, but we do make for really good photo ops.{reaches for his pocket}

DrM : Uh I don’t think you can smoke here….

AN : Chill out, this isn’t a cigarette….

DrM : You got that right…..its not a cigar either is it ?

AN : Look, its perfectly legal…..in Amsterdam.

DrM : Hey man, this is supposed to be a drug free interview….put that joint out….

AN : Too late, its…hitting….me….already……dayum…I’m flying…. See what happens when you’re a progressive Muslim…..you’re missing out homie.

DrM : I guess we’ll have to continue this interview some other time....what an imbecile.

AN : Dont be hatin'


YLooK said...

That was amazing. Any animators out there? I can see an online satirical flick about re-progs, with Dr. M writing the script. That would be hilarious. Keep up the good work brother.


Knightmare said...

Funny honest interview. But, not funny as Asra Nomani's. I liked the part about the AA meeting.

Talk About Islam.com said...


I hope you would not mind that I QUOTE your article with its references on http://talkaboutislam.com

(I would not pretend those are my words. I would say clearly that YOU wrote this, and would leave a reference on the forums http://talkaboutislam.com/forums/ to your blog in the article.)

If you do mind quoting your article, please email the webmaster at talkaboutislam.com and ask him to remove the article from the forums.

Fox said...

Very creative. Good stuff DM.

iFaqeer said...

YOu posted a "Very nice" in response to something at:


Were you saying that about my comment of publicdebate's?


DrMaxtor said...

talkaboutIslam, I'd rather you provide a link. Keep in mind this is satire.
iFaqeer, I thought the original post was nice. Hope that clarifys it all.

Khalid said...

Speaking of inadvertent honesty, visit:

and click "Nassef Consulting" at the bottom.

Warning: you will be refreshed on your anatomy lessons.

SwordsWoman said...

Salaams DrM...hahahaha damn brilliant...I love your sense of wit and humor - it is both devastingly funny, effective yet eloquent. Big up ;)

Anonymous said...

hello ?

do we have a green light to publish your quotes on http://www.talkaboutislam.com ???

DrMaxtor said...

Sure, go for it, Arabica100%
I look forward to it, LoL.

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