Imagine if Nomani got some sodium pentothal in her martini and gave an honest interview....
DrM : So whats the “Muslim womans freedom tour” about ?
AN. : Well I couldn’t come up with anything catchy so I decided to steal some terms from the civil rights movement. I haven’t had much luck getting attention with the shake down I’ve tried to pull at the Morgantown masjid, so I had to do something.
DrM : What’s going on there ?
AN : Actually I didnt have a chance to win a seat on the masjid advisory panel, so I bailed the day the election. Then I started claiming that the ladies section was insufficient for us even though there was plenty of room.
DrM : Why did you do that ?
AN : It got the media’s interest, and I was on CNN…they just love me on FOX too might I add. Plus, I got a chance to plug my book, nothing like a little free PR.
DrM : You mean “Standing alone in Mecca” ?
AN : Yes, order your copy today !
DrM : This was about your Hajj experience correct ?
AN : Yep.
DrM : There were over 2 million pilgrims at last year’s Hajj, so what do you mean by the “stand alone” part ?
AN : Well..uh…it sounded tight. There’s only one Asra Nomani ya know !
DrM : You’re a bit of a whack job aren’t you ?
AN : Hey now ! Well, maybe just a bit…I can assure I’m just your typical single Muslim mom raising a kid.
DrM : Why single ? Wheres hubby ?
AN : Lets not get into that…..
DrM : I’ll let you plug your book if you do….
AN : In that case…..I was on assignment in Pakistan, where I met this one dude…and things kinda happened.
DrM : Hold up…that would be adultery then..
AN : Look man, I was trying the latest tantrika mumbo jumbo…you can read all about it in my other book on tantrika sex…on sale for only $17.95.
DrM : So did you get married ?
AN : Nope, he ran off, the bastid.
DrM : Well that’s too bad….but don’t you think Muslims would have a problem with someone with your past telling them how to practice Islam ?
AN : Look I screwed up, cut me some slack here ! All you gotta do is perform Hajj and all is forgiven.
DrM : Well it doesn’t quite work like that…you have to be sincere in your desire for forgiveness…
AN : I am sincere, dawg !
DrM : But you do oppose punishing the crime of adultery…
AN : Well, just punishing the female part, they could stone the men with a boulder for all I care. Besides everybody does it these days, you cant go around slamming people for getting busy….you know what I’m saying ?
DrM : Actually no, I myself have never committed adultery, nor do any of Muslim friends engage in it.
AN : You’re a wahabi aren’t you ?!
DrM : …no, not really.
AN : You believe in Quran and Hadeeth ?
DrM : …Yeah
AN : WAHABI ! Neo-Salafi ! Muslim Pat Robertson !
DrM : Hey everybody, buy Asra’s book….
AN : Ok, I’ll let you off the hook this time….
DrM : So tell me what you mean by Muslim woman “reclaiming their rights.”
AN : Actually that’s just some bullcrap we cooked up to get the media’s attention. I would like to see more woman ditch the hijab.
DrM : Why is that ?
AN : Well to be honest with you, I’m a bit jealous of those hijabis. They get respect and they don’t have to put out to get it.
DrM : Why are you proggies so obsessed with hijab when Muslim woman face so many other challenges ?
AN : Well….we don’t want to them to wear it….and that’s all I have to say about that.
DrM : They make you look bad don’t they ?
AN : Yeah they do, kinda makes it hard to pull a fast one on ignorant non-Muslims with them around.
DrM : But you did wear a hijab on the cover of your book…
AN : Available at bookstores near you for only…
DrM : We got that already. But why the hijab on the cover ?
AN : It grabs the viewers attention, but its cool, I don’t wear it inside the book.
DrM : About your local masjid….when did that controversy start ?
AN : Actually I rarely go to the masjid, and I never went before…but it was a good place to start my campaign.
DrM : But why do you want a larger prayer hall if you sneak into the men’s section ?
AN : To be honest, its more fun…there’s a couple of guys with really tig…
DrM : Time out
AN : Dang ! I was just getting to the good part.
DrM : This aint “sex and the ummah.”
AN : Which I also co-write with that other lady holed up in Arkansas.
DrM : So why the need to publish porn ?
AN : Well that Nassef character, you know the one with the big boot print on his face thought it would get us some page hits, as well as offer a release for the readers, most of whom aren’t old enough to drink. We think its better than them surfing smut sites.
DrM : But its still porn, and rather vulgar at that….
AN : Don’t be such a prude, Muslims should enjoy the sexual impulse..nothing to be afraid of…
DrM : Uh I don’t think that’s a problem given that Muslims have the highest birthrate on the planet. Only difference I see is they do it behind closed doors and after marriage.
AN : You better cut it out with that wahabi crap, man
DrM : Yawn, so what do you do these days ?
AN : Well since I dont have a job, I enjoy harassing the people at the masjid, and trying to make non-Muslims like me as a "good muslim." Otherwise I'm just a bitter middle aged woman eating bonbons and watching Oprah. Hopefully, some clueless liberals and ill-meaning conservatives will pick up my books, every single penny counts.
DrM : I think I've had enough. Off you go granny.
AN : Wha ?!
DrM : Theres a MSNBC camera crew outside waiting to hear your deep Islamic thoughts.