Saturday, March 19, 2005

Honest interviews : Asra Nomani

Imagine if Nomani got some sodium pentothal in her martini and gave an honest interview....

DrM : So whats the “Muslim womans freedom tour” about ?

AN. : Well I couldn’t come up with anything catchy so I decided to steal some terms from the civil rights movement. I haven’t had much luck getting attention with the shake down I’ve tried to pull at the Morgantown masjid, so I had to do something.

DrM : What’s going on there ?

AN : Actually I didnt have a chance to win a seat on the masjid advisory panel, so I bailed the day the election. Then I started claiming that the ladies section was insufficient for us even though there was plenty of room.

DrM : Why did you do that ?

AN : It got the media’s interest, and I was on CNN…they just love me on FOX too might I add. Plus, I got a chance to plug my book, nothing like a little free PR.

DrM : You mean “Standing alone in Mecca” ?

AN : Yes, order your copy today !

DrM : This was about your Hajj experience correct ?

AN : Yep.

DrM : There were over 2 million pilgrims at last year’s Hajj, so what do you mean by the “stand alone” part ?

AN : Well..uh…it sounded tight. There’s only one Asra Nomani ya know !

DrM : You’re a bit of a whack job aren’t you ?

AN : Hey now ! Well, maybe just a bit…I can assure I’m just your typical single Muslim mom raising a kid.

DrM : Why single ? Wheres hubby ?

AN : Lets not get into that…..

DrM : I’ll let you plug your book if you do….

AN : In that case…..I was on assignment in Pakistan, where I met this one dude…and things kinda happened.

DrM : Hold up…that would be adultery then..

AN : Look man, I was trying the latest tantrika mumbo jumbo…you can read all about it in my other book on tantrika sex…on sale for only $17.95.

DrM : So did you get married ?

AN : Nope, he ran off, the bastid.

DrM : Well that’s too bad….but don’t you think Muslims would have a problem with someone with your past telling them how to practice Islam ?

AN : Look I screwed up, cut me some slack here ! All you gotta do is perform Hajj and all is forgiven.

DrM : Well it doesn’t quite work like that…you have to be sincere in your desire for forgiveness…

AN : I am sincere, dawg !

DrM : But you do oppose punishing the crime of adultery…

AN : Well, just punishing the female part, they could stone the men with a boulder for all I care. Besides everybody does it these days, you cant go around slamming people for getting busy….you know what I’m saying ?

DrM : Actually no, I myself have never committed adultery, nor do any of Muslim friends engage in it.

AN : You’re a wahabi aren’t you ?!

DrM : …no, not really.

AN : You believe in Quran and Hadeeth ?

DrM : …Yeah

AN : WAHABI ! Neo-Salafi ! Muslim Pat Robertson !

DrM : Hey everybody, buy Asra’s book….

AN : Ok, I’ll let you off the hook this time….

DrM : So tell me what you mean by Muslim woman “reclaiming their rights.”

AN : Actually that’s just some bullcrap we cooked up to get the media’s attention. I would like to see more woman ditch the hijab.

DrM : Why is that ?

AN : Well to be honest with you, I’m a bit jealous of those hijabis. They get respect and they don’t have to put out to get it.

DrM : Why are you proggies so obsessed with hijab when Muslim woman face so many other challenges ?

AN : Well….we don’t want to them to wear it….and that’s all I have to say about that.

DrM : They make you look bad don’t they ?

AN : Yeah they do, kinda makes it hard to pull a fast one on ignorant non-Muslims with them around.

DrM : But you did wear a hijab on the cover of your book…

AN : Available at bookstores near you for only…

DrM : We got that already. But why the hijab on the cover ?

AN : It grabs the viewers attention, but its cool, I don’t wear it inside the book.

DrM : About your local masjid….when did that controversy start ?

AN : Actually I rarely go to the masjid, and I never went before…but it was a good place to start my campaign.

DrM : But why do you want a larger prayer hall if you sneak into the men’s section ?

AN : To be honest, its more fun…there’s a couple of guys with really tig…

DrM : Time out

AN : Dang ! I was just getting to the good part.

DrM : This aint “sex and the ummah.”

AN : Which I also co-write with that other lady holed up in Arkansas.

DrM : So why the need to publish porn ?

AN : Well that Nassef character, you know the one with the big boot print on his face thought it would get us some page hits, as well as offer a release for the readers, most of whom aren’t old enough to drink. We think its better than them surfing smut sites.

DrM : But its still porn, and rather vulgar at that….

AN : Don’t be such a prude, Muslims should enjoy the sexual impulse..nothing to be afraid of…

DrM : Uh I don’t think that’s a problem given that Muslims have the highest birthrate on the planet. Only difference I see is they do it behind closed doors and after marriage.

AN : You better cut it out with that wahabi crap, man

DrM : Yawn, so what do you do these days ?

AN : Well since I dont have a job, I enjoy harassing the people at the masjid, and trying to make non-Muslims like me as a "good muslim." Otherwise I'm just a bitter middle aged woman eating bonbons and watching Oprah. Hopefully, some clueless liberals and ill-meaning conservatives will pick up my books, every single penny counts.

DrM : I think I've had enough. Off you go granny.

AN : Wha ?!

DrM : Theres a MSNBC camera crew outside waiting to hear your deep Islamic thoughts.

19 comments:

media mongol said...

I know that the fact that nomani is a single mother is a serious dent on her credibility. But I don't think we can judge whether she is truly repentent. What does bother me is that she keeps referring to it like a badge of honor that somehow enhances her credentials with the "progressive muslims." That and her constant references to Daniel Pearl. That seems like pretty shameless milking to me.

Knightmare said...

This post is hilarious!

amj said...

hey, seems so close to reality, hunm

Fox said...

This was some really creative writing. Can't wait for you next exclusive interview.

Asra Gull Manji-Laden said...

Relax, Asra and her gang have solutions for everything!

DrMaxtor said...

They most certainly do, love the blog BTW "asra gull manji-laden." LoL

crossfader72 said...

wow. so what is it that you believe in, other that nipping at MWU's heals.

DrMaxtor said...

Actually crossfaded, I see Ahmed has taught you well. When you've got something remotely original or relevent feel free slither on back.

ajsuhail said...

Great piece DR M .I have said this before and I say it again.You the man!

QadirBillah said...

Simpleminded, miserable slanderers can't understand that DENIAL is not a river in Egypt. Are we in denial? There are some MUSLIMS blowing themselves up, some MUSLIMS 'honor' killing their sisters and daughters, some MUSLIMS commiting violent acts and promoting violence against INNOCENT persons throughout the world AND someone can utilize his/her brilliant command of English to concoct this slanderous 'interview'. Muslims deserve more respect among each other and take the time to understand what's really going on instead of harpingon the conspiracy theories all the time.

DrMaxtor said...

Ms.Nomani aka generic blog poster, let me explain a few things to you.
1) There are plenty of problems in the Islamic world, so dont pretend that you're the only one bringing attention to some of them. Talk about pretentious elitism.
2)If you honestly believe engaging in third rate monkey-see monkey-do lefty polemicism is the way to correct the wrongs, then you're no better then some ignorant fool who engages in "honor" killing. Rather simple minded, yes? If you're so hung up on suicide bombings, why not confront its root causes and offer a solution besides backing and receiving aid from charlatans ? Funny how you cry foul about this but are dead silent on peace activists who are bulldozed to death in broad daylight. Do tell.
3)Tell me more about your conspiracy theories. Yes, like the RAND corporation reports. I'm sure PNAC is also a figment of some crazy a-rabs imagination. Right up there with Iraq's WMD and Israel's "democracy."
I got news for you my deluded friend, the "interview" was done in the spirit of "fictional erotica" you can find at MWU....except for the salacious porn. Dont kid yourself, you're useful idiots, not "reformers" by any stretch of the imagination who'll be discarded later by the usual suspects.

Hypocrisy Thy Name said...

Here I copy a letter from MOMNA SOHAIL SULTAN (Karachi) published in Dawn of April 22, 2005 which claims Asra has no relation with Mr Shibli Nomani.

Asra Nomani no kin of Allama Shibli

We were extremely embarrassed to read in 'Books & Authors' (April 17) about Asra Nomani, a controversial personality, who claims to be a direct descendant of Allama Shibli, after whom she has named her son. Asra is in no way connected to the Shibli family.

We five real granddaughters are the real direct descendants of Maulana Shibli, who had one son and two daughters, Rabia Khatoon and Jannutul Fatima. Both the daughters died in their youth in 1904 and 1909. They were married and their family lived in their ancestral villages in Azamgarh.

Allama Shibli had only one son, Hamid Hassan Nomani. He was born in 1882 and died in 1942. He had no sons but five daughters. They are: A) Dr Nasim Jehan, retired director of health, Bangladesh, died in Karachi in 1997. She was married to Dr Zafrul Huda of Dhaka University. He died in 1978 at Dhaka. They have one daughter Shahla living in the US.

B) Shamim Jehan, married to Ehtesham Ahmed, who died in Azamgarh in 1982. They have eight sons and seven daughters all married and living in Pakistan, except one, who is in Kuwait.

C) Tahsin Jehan, married to Shaukat Sultan, principal of Shibli College, Azamgarh. He died in 1986. They have three sons and four daughters, living in India, the UAE and Karachi. The above three daughters were married in 1940 at Azamgarh.

D) Mohsina Sultana, married in 1950 to Amanullah Khan, director of industries, India. They have five children, all married, one daughter and three sons living in the US and one son in India.

E) Momna, the youngest, was born in 1935 and married in 1952 to Capt. Khan Sohail Sultan, who retired as general manager of Pan-Islamic Steamship Co., Karachi in 1993, now living in North Nazimabad.

They have four sons, all married. Eldest Maj Khalid Sultan, Sitara-i-Jur'at, met 'Shahadat' at Siachin in 1992, Capt. Danish Sultan is managing director of Pac Marine Singapore, Wamiq Sultan, MD, living in the US, youngest Capt. Toaha Sultan is serving in the Pakistan Army.

Considering our sentiments and Maulana Shibli's fame as writer of Seerat-un-Nabi, we hope you will publish this clarification.

Iftikhar Ajmal Bhopal
B.Sc.Engg, P.E., Life Fellow (IEP)
M.I.E.(London), Incorporated Engr.(England)

DrMaxtor said...

Thanks HTN, I did not know that Nomani had made such claims. I cant say I'm surprised. I'm going to check your blog also for more information. Thanks again.

Online Degree Adviser said...

Hi there, I was surfing the internet and I found your blog. I enjoy the style of how this all works.

I'll be coming back again.

Regards,

Mere Muslim said...

Dr M,

As-salamu 'alaykum,

Not only original, but very hilarious!

Keep up the good work, insha'llah!

Abdurrahman R. Squires

seemi said...

This is absolutely hilarious and realistic. Keep up with the great work! Jazakallaho Khayran

http://cm3n.wordpress.com/

S said...

I am amazed at this attempt to discredit and defame another Muslim. It is no easy task to take on the Muslim community with a request for women to be treated with the same dignity and respect the Messenger of Allah gave to women.
This women deserves credit for having the courage to take a difficult stand.

DrMaxtor said...

@S

I always find it hilarious yet sad how people like you continue to be hoodwinked by neocon charlatans like Nomani. Respect and dignity are two words which simply don't exist in Nomani's dictionary. The only struggle she's had is counting the money she's made slandering a community she was never a part off.
Did the Prophet(s.a.w.) support mixed congregation salah led my by a woman? No he did not, care to tell us what he said on this topic?

MENJ said...

Always did enjoy satirical writing from you :)